I remember the first time I logged on to an online dating site. It was about six years ago after my first relationship, and I’d been single for a little while. I had a few friends who did it, so why not, I thought. I picked a site (I’m NOT telling which site – I prefer one in particular, but you KNOW all the sites) and set up a profile. I had one of my best friends tell me some basics and take a cute pic of me so I could keep it locked on my profile and have a little mystery. I was excited…and I was bored, and it was something to do. I was a virgin who couldn’t drive and I was ready to date. And then, the games began!
There are a few things one should know before joining an online “dating” site – at least on the gay ones. Here’s how it goes down:
1. Even if they don’t say it, about 80 percent of the guys on “certain sites” are looking for sex. Just sex. Some are up front about it to the point of crudeness on their profiles: “come over, bust a nut, bounce.” Some will have you thinking they may want to date and get to know you before you meet, but they’ll ask you to get undressed as soon as you get to their apartment! Sometimes you don’t mind such an exchange, but you’ve got to be prepared when “the one” just wants “the one for the night.
2. You need a pic. It doesn’t have to be public; you can unlock your pic for certain individuals to see, but you need one. The “down-low” guys will beg you to see your pics and tell you they don’t have one because they’re “discreet.” Bullshit. They have the option of a locked photo, too. Not to be superficial, but no one wants to go out and risk meeting up with a damn ogre! Who has time for that?
3. Married guys are on gay dating sites HARD! I’ve heard of a friend of mine who went out with a guy a good four times before he told him that he was married! And another “friend” had a guy tell him he was married at a most compromising moment. Who does that?! I don’t advocate adultery by any means, but some people are into that so you at least have to give the person the option to know what they’re getting into before the wife comes in ready to kick ass and take names.
4. Spelling and proper grammar is not of importance at all on “certain” dating sites. I’m convinced that some people misspell on purpose to make themselves seem more “urban,” and thus, more appealing to certain people; however, others really are dumb and can’t fucking spell. None of us is above an occasional typo, but if you look over your own profile and you’ve spelled “masculine” incorrectly (and a different kind of incorrect each time) or you have a page full of text and not one punctuation mark of any kind…you’ve got some work to do.
5. Almost everyone is looking for someone “masculine,” even though we know that masculinity is not a universal concept and that every gay man is not concerned with being as stereotypically “masculine” as possible. As I said in a previous article (“Walk Like A Man?”), I had a guy ask me to describe my walk to him before we met up. Even the strict “masculine” tops only want someone equally as masculine, and there will be no confusion when it comes to the bedroom. You’re 6-foot-2, 210 pounds and “DL” and ONLY want a slim, submissive, shorter bottom but you want him to be totally masculine and un-clockable? Best of luck, girls!
5. Expect people not to be 100% honest all of the time. Sometimes, the guy whose profile says 6 feet tall is actually 5-foot-10. Sometimes the guy who’s “just lookin’ to chill” is just looking to fuck. Sometimes the mature 40-year-old you meet with a beard full of gray hair and reveals the obvious at dinner – he’s almost 60 years old! Sometimes the pic that he showed you in his profile does not look like the beast parked in the Maxima at the corner waiting for you. Sometimes they’re MARRIED. And sometimes, the guy who seems nice and very well may be, invites you over and invites you to spend the night and has every sexual accessory known to man EXCEPT a condom! At that point, it’s your cue to slip your clothes back on and get to dialing on your cellphone and wait for a cab or a good friend who doesn’t mind getting out of bed to pick you up at 3 am, from the curb.
The online dating world can be a tad scary and confusing; however, I could never bash online dating sites. I’ve made some really good friends online and I’ve met some great, great guys. I’ll admit, I even fell in love with someone I met online and I was online no longer! He didn’t want anyone to know how we’d met, but in actuality we were an online dating success story! We were together for several years, and though we didn’t work out, I’m happy I met him. Shortly after we broke up, in fact, I got back onto the same website again to start a new search. That’s what it’s for – online dating is what you make it. Trust me, you can find whatever – and I do mean whatever – you’re looking to get into. As many assholes (and you’ll encounter quite a few) there are online, there are just as many good guys, too. You’re a good guy and you’re on! So are you looking for Mr. Right, or Mr. Right Now?
Have you had any crazy online dating experiences? Success stories? Share them with us! Send your stories to firstname.lastname@example.org.