The 5 Signs Of “A Gay”

The mainstream is obsessed with gay men. But some people, no matter how obvious, cannot spot a gay guy. If this is you, here is how you can tell if you’ve seen one.

He will…

1. Possess undying love for a female performer

Gay men are “stans” for their favorite female artist. If said artist makes one song that they can’t seem to take off repeat, their life suddenly surrounds the artist’s every move or fabled accomplishments. Try in any way to disparage their idol, and the consequences will be dire. Be prepared for the stan to articulate their favorite’s volume of album sales, by country and date. Hell, they may just ask that you sit tight while they go print off the artist’s resume (which of course they carry on a flash drive). For practical reasons, the reader should know stans have different levels of obsession, varying by artist. It is well known that Beyoncé stans are the worst offenders, as she has even had to chastise them for their sometimes violent devotion. Britney Spears’ stans are a close second. And yes, as ridiculous as it may seem, they are gay men of a certain age who are still stans for Liza Minnelli, Barbra Streisand, and Cher. Because of the love for their favorite performer, Grammy and/or Oscar Sundays are, in a gay man’s eyes, holier than the Sabbath itself. Employers are advised to give these men the entire week off in preparation for their devotional services.

2. Dress above his income bracket

For a gay man, nothing says “I’m better than you” than his daily attire. In the most extreme cases, the gay man will go without food (though this could be for other, personal reasons), and dodge monthly bills to purchase the latest labels. You may be able to call him many things, talk about his car, or his momma for that matter, but you won’t dare say he does not look absolutely fabulous today.

3. Engage in “TEA” spilling

All gay men, whether they want to admit it or not, love getting the “T.”  For those who don’t know, the “T” or tea is simply a term for gossip. Although there is no consensus on whether “T” or “tea” is the proper use of the term, many prefer the latter. It has become common vernacular among gay men and straight women alike. Many people claim to hate hearing someone’s tea, yet they’ll never cover their ears or leave the room in the course of a spill. Rather, they stick around, have a few cups, and then criticize the person who brewed the nourishing beverage. No matter how you may feel about a gay man who always seems to serve tea on someone, it will serve you well to keep them within reach. Because, in their own right, these men have more information than the entire United States intelligence community on anyone you could possibly imagine. If you need the tea on someone, just give the Bureau three business days to process your request ― you won’t be disappointed. Although it’s wise to take everything they say with a grain of salt, usually, I’ve found that where there’s smoke, a fire is nearby.

3B. Read you like a book

Gay men have always had it hard. From childhood, we’re told that we’re worthless, and destined for Hell. For the vast majority of gay men, having to overcome constant ridicule and avoid suicide, we become accustomed to making ourselves laugh, as well as others. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a gay man who isn’t an observational or dark-humored comedian. Their niche act usually consists of soul-crushing sarcasm and bitchy put-downs. After years of being grilled by society, we’ve become experts at it. Cross a gay guy and you’ll most certainly be embarrassed, especially since he likely knows your tea.

4. Always have his cellular phone in hand

After all, this is how the Bureau maintains its operation. A gay man’s cell phone is the equivalent of a government Blackberry. It is filled with damaging information and self-destructs upon being misplaced.  So much tea is served via text message, especially if a gay man is in a room filled with “trade” (another topic, for another day), and one or two other gay men. Other than emergencies (fashion or otherwise), cell phones are strictly for the transfer of tea or the scheduling of tea parties.

5. Be accompanied by a band of females

Most people believe that gay men choose to surround themselves with women. Quite the contrary, as these men are ironically chick magnets. It starts out by the woman being attracted to them, if she doesn’t already suspect that they are gay. Overtime, however, she usually becomes aware of the fact that men are probably among their many shared interests. From that point, the two become inseparable, and the woman undergoes an intriguing evolutionary process of becoming a “fag hag.” Women known as fag hags are usually a spirited bunch.  Like their gay male companions, they always wear the latest fashions, have the tea on someone, and are usually stans for their favorite celebrity, though usually a male singer or actor.  In a prior life, they too were gay men. Hags are usually very protective and territorial of their fags, and vice versa.

Do you agree with these signs? What are some other signs of a gay man? Spill the tea!

  • http://Thenynthlife.com Keith Jones

    Jason you got me, that Female performer one is extremely true! That’s the foundation of gay. Beyoncè was my revelation. Haha!

  • Shawn

    I am MAD at the not eating for “personal reasons” LMAO!!!! This was funny.

  • http://www.for-the-masses.com MsScripter

    I have nothing but gay male friends, but that tea spilling and their undying love for a female performer is right on the money, it is scary. If it isn’t Bey it is Rih Rih..LOL!

  • LC

    Welp, damn at least one of these is true for every gay I know. lol

  • TreMajesty Coleman

    Ha,So true! I love me some Patti Labelle and my library is always open,I enjoy a good READ! LOL

    This Is Hella Funnyt!

  • Sean

    Great way to perpetuate and maintain stereotypes of gay men. This is not true for all gay men and too some may be extremely offensive. The only sign of a gay may is him saying that he is gay, point blank period.

  • Arnold Fallen

    Sean, I believe this was written in humor. Lighten up a litle!

  • The Library Is Closed

    Any gay worth his salt — and no matter his age — should know how to spell Barbra and Minnelli.

    • MUSED MAG ONLINE

      Thanks!

  • R Martin

    You just described every strait man I know. Quit generalizing. Im a gay man and not one of your signs describes any of the gay men I know.

  • http://profiles.google.com/zaidemeit Walter O. Neal

    1. Most straight, black men, I know of, have an undying, PERVERSE love for Beyonce.; 2. Black men, gay or straight, love looking good for the ladies or the gentlemen; 3. You don’t have to be gay to know when to play the Dozens; 4. A cell phone in hand is ubiquitus! Everybody has one; 5. Frankly, I don’t know where this myth comes from, unless you’re a gay man who does hair in a beauty parlor.

  • wonderman

    Its sad im black and gay and I hate beyonce tho the myth holds true for me still smh lmao my idol is shakira i guess considering ppl.tell.me im “white” i speak spanish amd love languages it was inevitable and to make matters wirse i went to hs with another gay who was in denial for a while but openly obsessed with bee we fought verbally like cats amd dogs cause he would try to offend shakirs amd all hell broke loose we started fighting with stats record sales, ablilities, awards, whose more real eho writes their music it went DOWN lmao but today we’ve come to respect each other’s queen and the qualities they have sfter years of arguing whose better. It used to get nasty this article is unfortunately so true lmao

  • John Mulholland

    Funny stuff. Funny, and in my case, nails me spot-on with 3B and 5, rather less with the rest. Reading people, so, so true. It’s like we — gays — can see beneath the public persona, the person behind the person. And as for women, most of my best friends are women. I don’t seek them out, I am simply drawn to them. I find myself far more in synch emotionally with women. My interests — politics, the arts, etc. — are far more in tune with women’s than with my male friends. I fit comfortably within the much derided “Gay Best Friend” label.

    Good post!

  • Bleh

    A friend of mine read this, sent me this back and I am so posting it ;’>

    “Haha sure, gay men can spill your tea well enough. But you notice they never test their game in front of a black female. This is because black women have it harder from birth than a gay will ever have it and have a salted tongue. Any gay man decides he wants to go for his and start dishing up Lipton we’ll drown that bitch under INDIA” !

    Which is why every slang out of a gay man’s mouth came out of black women’s first: “girlllll!” “you go girl” “thirst” “lace front” “pressed” “delusion” “aint got no time for that” and so on. This article kisses gay butt too much. Place the crown where it belongs – black woman’s head !

  • Seth

    i am a gay man and its sad being put in these boxes of what being gay is. Their are all types of gay people…some even like sports (GASP!) smh. This world is so fucking stupid.