1. Possess undying love for a female performer
Gay men are “stans” for their favorite female artist. If said artist makes one song that they can’t seem to take off repeat, their life suddenly surrounds the artist’s every move or fabled accomplishments. Try in any way to disparage their idol, and the consequences will be dire. Be prepared for the stan to articulate their favorite’s volume of album sales, by country and date. Hell, they may just ask that you sit tight while they go print off the artist’s resume (which of course they carry on a flash drive). For practical reasons, the reader should know stans have different levels of obsession, varying by artist. It is well known that Beyoncé stans are the worst offenders, as she has even had to chastise them for their sometimes violent devotion. Britney Spears’ stans are a close second. And yes, as ridiculous as it may seem, they are gay men of a certain age who are still stans for Liza Minnelli, Barbra Streisand, and Cher. Because of the love for their favorite performer, Grammy and/or Oscar Sundays are, in a gay man’s eyes, holier than the Sabbath itself. Employers are advised to give these men the entire week off in preparation for their devotional services.
2. Dress above his income bracket
For a gay man, nothing says “I’m better than you” than his daily attire. In the most extreme cases, the gay man will go without food (though this could be for other, personal reasons), and dodge monthly bills to purchase the latest labels. You may be able to call him many things, talk about his car, or his momma for that matter, but you won’t dare say he does not look absolutely fabulous today.
3. Engage in “TEA” spilling
All gay men, whether they want to admit it or not, love getting the “T.” For those who don’t know, the “T” or tea is simply a term for gossip. Although there is no consensus on whether “T” or “tea” is the proper use of the term, many prefer the latter. It has become common vernacular among gay men and straight women alike. Many people claim to hate hearing someone’s tea, yet they’ll never cover their ears or leave the room in the course of a spill. Rather, they stick around, have a few cups, and then criticize the person who brewed the nourishing beverage. No matter how you may feel about a gay man who always seems to serve tea on someone, it will serve you well to keep them within reach. Because, in their own right, these men have more information than the entire United States intelligence community on anyone you could possibly imagine. If you need the tea on someone, just give the Bureau three business days to process your request ― you won’t be disappointed. Although it’s wise to take everything they say with a grain of salt, usually, I’ve found that where there’s smoke, a fire is nearby.
3B. Read you like a book
Gay men have always had it hard. From childhood, we’re told that we’re worthless, and destined for Hell. For the vast majority of gay men, having to overcome constant ridicule and avoid suicide, we become accustomed to making ourselves laugh, as well as others. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a gay man who isn’t an observational or dark-humored comedian. Their niche act usually consists of soul-crushing sarcasm and bitchy put-downs. After years of being grilled by society, we’ve become experts at it. Cross a gay guy and you’ll most certainly be embarrassed, especially since he likely knows your tea.
4. Always have his cellular phone in hand
After all, this is how the Bureau maintains its operation. A gay man’s cell phone is the equivalent of a government Blackberry. It is filled with damaging information and self-destructs upon being misplaced. So much tea is served via text message, especially if a gay man is in a room filled with “trade” (another topic, for another day), and one or two other gay men. Other than emergencies (fashion or otherwise), cell phones are strictly for the transfer of tea or the scheduling of tea parties.
5. Be accompanied by a band of females
Most people believe that gay men choose to surround themselves with women. Quite the contrary, as these men are ironically chick magnets. It starts out by the woman being attracted to them, if she doesn’t already suspect that they are gay. Overtime, however, she usually becomes aware of the fact that men are probably among their many shared interests. From that point, the two become inseparable, and the woman undergoes an intriguing evolutionary process of becoming a “fag hag.” Women known as fag hags are usually a spirited bunch. Like their gay male companions, they always wear the latest fashions, have the tea on someone, and are usually stans for their favorite celebrity, though usually a male singer or actor. In a prior life, they too were gay men. Hags are usually very protective and territorial of their fags, and vice versa.