I Don’t Date Outside My Race

People always question why I wouldn’t date outside of my race.  Usually, I prefer not to discuss a subject that I have already made up my mind on. Hell, sometimes I wonder if people say they would just to be politically correct.

Every day we’re inundated by relationship books, magazines, blogs and casual conversations all devoted to black women and the struggles they face while dating. Despite this topic being discussed ad nauseum, we often forget dating has a lot to do with personal preference and happiness, which doesn’t rely heavily on color boundaries; the choices made may be coincidental, not causal. This discussion of should I or should I not is as lively and fervent regarding black women as it is among black gay men.

From bearing the economical brunt of the household to disparaging statistics surrounding advanced education, the white-picket-fence image of a black man being content with dating inside his own race seems to be farfetched. So why should we force someone to date outside of his or her race? In theory, doing so should solve all of our problems; or, at the very least, give us more prospects – right? The more available prospects you have to choose from, the higher your chances are in finding “the right one.” However, often this strategy of casting a bigger net is the result of hopelessness and might yield the same results we had previously, just in a different flavor.

There’s nothing wrong with having preferences when it comes to dating. But whenever we decide to limit ourselves, then we have to deal with the consequences or realities. If you want to limit your preference, I don’t see the problem because you’re going to have to deal with those restraints when finding a partner. You are allowed to have unwavering standards and choices, but at the end of the day you must be aware that those standards will limit your dating pool. Those who limit their possible candidates to one race should not be shamed. If someone chooses not to date outside of their race does not mean they’re “racist,” they just don’t date outside of their race.

Even a few months ago, the Internet was abuzz with the release of Ralph Richard Banks’ new book, Is Marriage For White People?: How The African American Marriage Decline Affects Everyone. Before you begin to wonder, the author is black and his wife is too; talk about irony. After reading the advanced excerpts from the book, I easily predicted the amount of attention the book would garner. In the book, the Stanford University law professor examines the relationships of black women when it comes to interracial marriage. The author suggests black women would benefit both themselves and the black race if they decided to marry across racial lines. These are the same suggestions we peg in our own communities when it comes to interracial dating. Often we ask if marriage is for white people because that’s all we’re exposed to seeing with a happy ending. Even a quick Google search of ‘gay marriage’ would bring up a host of images, but none of those reflect an all black gay couple. For me, the ideal still exists.

Interracial dating will never become a lackluster topic because everyone constantly feels they should insert his or her opinion about your happiness. Regardless of polarized judgments, assertions and even sometimes pointless commentary, there is a huge market dedicated to sensationalizing the issues of marriage and race. Not to mention  marriage itself is a huge cash cow, racking in millions and millions of dollars each year. Black women are a driving force behind the economy. In fact, it’s been reported that same-sex weddings could create hundreds of new jobs and pump millions of dollars back into our economy. With more people getting married, these unions could benefit everyone, not just those walking down the aisle. Don’t be stunned that the media has an effect on how we view race relations when it comes to dating. Because various forms of the media have been objectifying the traditional couple for so long, researchers have started to generate a body of literature documenting this phenomenal of interracial dating.

Let’s not forget that interracial relationships are nothing new. Given the historical relationships between blacks and the majority race, interracial couples have been around for many years—starting from behind massa’s closed doors. It’s difficult to paint all relationships with the same brush or color. There is no special technique when it comes to finding the perfect mate. The ultimate goal of a relationship is for the two people involved to be happy. Even though happiness might sound like a place in a far off interracial land, please don’t feel bad if you decide not to date outside your race.

I know I don’t.

Drew-Shane Daniels is the founder/editor-in-chief of MUSED Magazine Online and a practicing homosexual. As a freelance writer he has written for outlets like Huffington Post, VIBE, Global Grind, BET.com, Soul Train, The Good Men Project among others.

  • Brent

    I admire your honesty but I think you’re missing out by limiting your options. I enjoy having limitless possibilities when it comes to dating. I would never let race stop me from finding happiness. Most black men miss out by waiting.

    • http://www.gavinmlfletcher.com Gavin

      Well, if that’s the case, you’re limiting your options by not dating women… Let’s not confuse limiting with preferences.

  • It’s Cost Me A Lot, But There’s One Thing That I’ve Got…

    All I can say is if you are getting approached by good men of other races and you can not seem to find any good black men, then do not complain because you must live with your decision. It is your right to date whom you choose and if that does not include non black men, then so be it. Some may think your dating pool is small, but this is what you are comfortable and satisfied living with. You have made the bed now get all comfy and snuggly in it.

    • http://anorexicescapades.com BougieHippie

      Stay off my keyboard. Couldn’t have typed it better myself.

  • http://sunnydelyte21.wordpress.com Sunny

    I’m date whom ever catches my attention and I feel a connection with. I’ve date more so people in the latin community…but I’ve dated my own race as well.

    You can’t help who your attracted to and if you only attracted to people who share the same color as you then fine!!

  • Americanboi

    In reading this…i still have 1 question..WHY don’t you date outside of your race? We all are entitled to our preferences, so no judgements…but i read this thinking you were going to specify why, and your kind of defending the act of choosing not to without giving is the reason of the choice. That answer was never given. Is it that your not attracted to other races? Cultural differences? Or the fact that you just don’t want to turn your back on the black?

    • http://twitter.com/drewshane Drew-Shane Daniels

      I might continue to explore this more. I don’t date outside of my race because I’m not attracted to anything other than black dudes. We all have our types and mine is black. I think it’ll be a huge cultural divide.

  • bill

    Yeah I have no probelm dating outside my race but I just chose not to date white women. I don’t have anything in common with them and I refuse to be part of a long lasting streotype that black men are drooling animals who crave white women.

  • Josiah

    Wonderful article. It’s EXTREMELY refreshing to see a BLACK MAN state that he chooses another Black person, period. I honestly hope there are more Black, gay men like yourself.

  • Darnell Jones

    I think another discussion we should try to uncover is how Black American women are seen by men outside their race (speaking about heterosexual relationships). Black American women who are not biracial are unfavorably and have a harder time getting married and dating outside their race. Sometimes, it’s not always women who are at fault – if you’re not approached or seen as dating material let alone marriage material, then it plays a part in all of this. You know the stereotypes or “reasons”, angry and unattractive being the strongest, difficult to communicate with, ghetto or stuck up, etc. So, that’s a conversation that I would like to see happen.