Set the scene: you’re getting dressed for – well, nothing, and you’re listening to Beyoncé (of course). As the playlist progresses, “Me, Myself and I” comes on and you shed a single, solitary tear while staring at yourself in the mirror, silently mouthing the words. Though the song is about as superficial as they come and you’ve never actually been in that situation, you identify with what she’s saying – after all, you are your own best friend.
It’s been over a year, and you haven’t been on a date since the final episode of “HawthoRNe.” In fact, the only action you’re getting lately is with your right hand, that bottle of Lubriderm and some pre-loaded MyVidster tabs. So you sit there and masturbate solemnly, wondering why the hell you’re still single. And what makes it worse is even your ugly friends (don’t front – you know exactly the ones I’m talking about) are bragging incessantly about their new relationships with somewhat attractive men, and here you are cuddling with Haagen-Dazs while they’re out with their Bens and Jerrys.
What are they doing that you aren’t? Here are some surefire qualities that you should look for – and rid yourself of, immediately – that may determine why you are still single.
You’re In Denial
So let’s say you do go on the occasional date here and there, but you never get the call back you’re expecting. If it happens once, fine. Twice? Be concerned. Three or more? Reconsider. The likelihood is that it’s not them, it’s you. If you’ve figured this out and remedied the situation, good for you. If not, here’s a checklist of “bads” you may want to review before your next date:
- Bad body odor: for me, personally, this is a deal breaker. We’re all too old to smell like diapers.
- Bad breath: another deal breaker, certainly for more people than just me. It’s safe for people to assume that the way you take care of your mouth is the way you provide it, so just keep that in mind.
- Bad conversation: if everything else is working for you, this may not be an important one – hence, its placement at the bottom of this list. However, if you aren’t stepping up to the plate and you’re not able to participate in interesting dialogue, I suggest you go home and read The Huffington Post until you can talk about anything featured on the home page for at least five minutes.
You Don’t Give A F*ck
A lot of people pride themselves on “not giving a fuck” when it comes to their public presentations. For women, this is the type who goes to the grocery store with rollers in her hair and those Chinese house shoes on; for men, however, this is the type who doesn’t keep himself maintained (i.e., clean haircut, clean nails, clean a*s), the type who is satisfied being a retail queen with no clear life aspirations, etc. If you’re happy with your one year of college and dead-end job and expect others to be happy with you too because you have “a great personality,” it’s only more proof that you should have just stayed in school.
Your Reputation Precedes You
Let’s not pretend we’ve been classy ladies all our lives. All of us have done some “ho shit” at one point or another, and that’s OK – do you, home skillet. We’ve all explored the sites and the apps and perhaps made a connection or two (or five). But if you’re on “the sites” and complaining about always seeing the same people, just think of what they’re saying about you! You’re always online, you’ve f*cked him, him and him (and none of them had any good things to say about it) and you don’t think anyone knows. Believe me, we know. And we don’t want anything to do with a troller.
You’re Looking For Your Wade, Looking Like Alex
This is absolutely no shade to Rodney Chester, the wonderfully talented gentleman who played Alex Kirby in the “Noah’s Arc” series; however, this is a reality check for those of you playing outside of your league: stop! To keep with the theme, Alex was able to snag himself a beautiful man and carry on a successful, long-term relationship with him. But the operative terms above are “played” and “series” – that was not real life! You have to know what your league is, and play within it. Sadly, the less unattractive you are (inside and out), the smaller your league is. If you need to figure out what your league is, I’d recommend the following formula:
(4 x [your personality ranking on a scale of 1-10]) + (5 x [your attractiveness ranking on a scale of 1-10])
Take that number and multiply it by 12. Add the digits of that number together until you get a number between one and 10. Whatever that number is, judge others accordingly and play at or below that ranking.
You Defend Your Favorite Celebrities More Than Your Own Mother
If you can tell me Lady Gaga’s real name, shoe size, menstruation dates and most recent abortion, then you know four more things about her than I care to find out. I don’t care who you like, but there’s no reason you should get all in your feelings because someone is bashing an entertainer who doesn’t even have you on her payroll, much less knows or cares about your day-to-day existence. Besides, don’t you have laundry to fold?
You’re Still In Love With Your Ex…Who Was Never In Love With You
You whine so much about your hangups and your past and how much your last dude was perfect for you, but I saw his ass getting busted down in the bathroom at the club while he left you at home? Oh! Ok! Truth of the matter is that relationships end for a reason, whether good or bad. The time you waste wallowing over what you used to have could be better used looking for something better – or at least in the gym getting back in shape.
I said all of that to say this – if you’re single and satisfied, continue doing what you’re doing. But if you’re ready to get back out there and having a little difficulty, perhaps a little introspection is necessary before you go on whining about “dudes today.”
I’m just saying.