As gay men, we are classified into different groups. Hell, not just gay men, but humans in general. We like to divide ourselves with labels. In our culture, there is no label more important than one’s sexual position. You can be a top, bottom, versatile, versatile-top, versatile-bottom, total top, power bottom and so on. I completely understand the need to have these labels, but why do they dictate how some of us act?
I’ve had an unconventional journey to my sexual label. My first and second sexual experiences were as a bottom; they were ridiculously awful, so naturally I became a top. During my time as a complete top, I found myself playing some type of role. I put on this façade of what a top was supposed to be. I wasn’t particularly unhappy, just a little tired. Then I got into a relationship that encouraged me to explore myself sexually. After nearly nine months into our relationship, I finally gave the bottom thing another try. Now I’m fully versatile.
Having gone to an area of sex where nothing (position-wise) is off limits, now it’s hard for me to imagine people who refuse to do so. I’ve heard stories of tops that ignore the bottom’s dick and bottoms that want them to; or how about the guy who says he is a top, but has never tried to experience being a bottom? How about the top that doesn’t want you to touch his ass, or the bottom that never gets to orgasm? Is that really fulfilling?
Although this might be an ignorant statement, I perceive strict top/bottom relationships to be a sad mirror of heterosexual relationships. The top has to be dominating because he is the “man,” while the bottom remains submissive because he’s the “woman.” I’ve even heard of this concept going outside of the bedroom; the bottom feels it’s his duty to cook and clean. As a versatile man who wants a man, this whole concept is truly unappealing.
Maybe versatile guys are just naturally freakier, or maybe it’s all about openness and willingness. Granted, some people just simply don’t like it. But a huge majority of strict tops don’t like the feeling of being dominated because it makes them feel less of man.
I’ve been told that fully versatile people don’t exist or that people find them confusing. I laughed at that because I feel the same way about strict tops and bottoms. Sexually, if you like it, I love it. But our community will be a whole lot better if we removed the rules, and the stigma that comes along with these titles. If you’re a top, you don’t have to automatically be the one paying for the dates. Likewise, if you’re a bottom, it’s not your duty to fix his plate. We are not in the 50s; we are all men and we should all be equal. We have to stop letting these titles wear us. Your sexual desire shouldn’t have to conform to what you think your position is. Your sexual title shouldn’t dictate what you’re allowed to enjoy in bed. Sexual stereotypes are exhausting and unnecessary. If you ask five different tops the same question, you’re sure to get five different answers.
I’m not my sexual position, I like what I like and that’s that.