Walking The Line: Your Best Friend’s Ex

With the exception of myself, almost every gay man has dated or slept with one of his closest friends. It’s just a fact of life and the result of our social interactions in such a small community. You like them as a person, even if you two weren’t exactly relationship material or sexually compatible – and often, it can be a good thing. You have an understanding. You’re friends. And sometimes, you’re friends with your friends’ partners…even after they’re no longer partners and may or may not be on exactly such good terms. That’s where things get a little complicated.

I met one of my closest friends at my 22nd birthday. When everyone was trying to figure out who this Chinese boy was, I knew by his name that he was Filipino. I thought he was cute and I liked his hair.  I knew he had come with (and had been dating) one of my closest friends with whom I went to high school. And there it started. We’d hang out in groups, and sometimes just the three of us. One day, the two of them had an argument when the three of us had plans to hang that night, and my new Filipino friend showed up alone. It could have been awkward since our common factor – my friend who he was dating – was missing, but we just clicked somehow. From then on, we would hang out without my friend (his boyfriend); by the time they decided to stop seeing one another, he and I were talking and hanging out almost every day. Nothing wrong with that, right?

Eventually, it became clear that my new Filipino friend was more my friend than just my friend’s ex. And honestly, I never stopped to ask my friend how he felt about his ex and me being such good friends. I never knew how he really felt about seeing him every time he came to a group event or birthday party. He didn’t seem to have a problem with it, and he never said anything if he did. As time went on, things grew increasingly weird between them. Though I didn’t take sides, things also got weird between my old high school friend and myself and we grew distant. I’ll admit that eventually, I was a lot closer to his ex than to him.

There’s really no way to avoid certain situations. You can try, but if there’s a genuine connection between two people, friendships (and relationships) just happen. Our world as social males is a very small one. Sure, there’s loyalty to your friends to consider, but we’re adults. You’d go crazy trying to avoid connecting with someone who has dated someone you know or are friends with. In writing this article, I realized that I have more than one friend who is an ex of a friend or acquaintance. I developed genuine friendships with people my good friends dated, and those friendships don’t always die just because their relationships with my friends do. Obviously I wouldn’t continue the friendship if the ex treated my best friend like shit, but if someone’s nice enough to be with my friend, then they may be nice enough to actually be my friend. In fact, after completing this article, I was reminded that my old high school friend whose ex is among my best friends counts my ex among his closest personal friends – and has ever since we broke up! I don’t know if it was revenge or karma, but I unhappily dealt with it. I guess it happens. I just promise not to sleep with any of my friends exes because THAT would be crossing the line. And I’m loyal.

  • Cold Fire

    “…
    almost every gay man has dated or slept with one of his closest friends.”

    I fucking hate that shit! I can not stand these people walking around here calling each other friends when they used to be fucking the walls down. It is so tacky!!

  • Brent

    I stay my best away from my ex or even current boyfriend’s friends. I made that mistake in my first relationship. I just think its hard to meet quality people which is why many of us run in the same circles or know the same people. The community is smaller than what we think.

  • Arnold

    Yikes. Don’t “fucking hate” it. Just don’t do it if it’s not your thing. It happens. You met, you dated at 20 and now you’re best friends at 30. There are worse things.

    • Cold Fire

      I FUCKING HATE IT!

      • Donny

        Just because you’re not mature enough to handle being friends with someone you’ve slept with doesn’t mean you need to judge others who are.. Calm down.

        • Cold Fire

          SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU ARE GONNA SIT HERE AND LIE AND TELL ME YOU CONSIDER SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU LIKE A BROTHER AND FUCKING HIM IS THE MATURE THING TO DO?? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!!? YOU MOTHERFUCKERS TREAT FUCKING AROUND WITH EACH OTHER LIKE SOME SICK ASS FRATERNITY INITIATION! THAT SHIT IS FUCKING DISGUSTING LIKE I SAID! I FUCKING HATE IT!

          HOW DARE YOU INSINUATE THAT BEING MATURE MEANS LOSING CONTROL OF YOUR FUCKING HORMONES AND FUCKING YOUR WHOLE DAMN FRIEND BASE! ITS NASTY! ITS FUCKING TACKY! YOU ARE GUILTY THATS WHY YOUR ASS IS MAD! BUT GUESS WHAT!? I DONT GIVE NOT ONE FLYING FUCK!

        • Donny

          Someone is going in HARD on the caps lock!!

        • Cold Fire

          THAT’S BECAUSE I LIKE TO GET MY POINT ACROSS LOUD AND FUCKING CLEAR!

        • http://musedmagonline.com/ Neo Huxtable

          Hi guys, really appreciate your feedback on our pieces and we definitely encourage conversation; however, let’s try to keep our conversation as respectful as possible.

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          Neo

        • http://twitter.com/drewshane Drew-Shane

          Thanks! We will not accept personal attacks or profanity towards writers or readers. We can have an adult discussion with out cursing someone out. Let’s RESPECT each other and use our words- not profanity.

        • Cold Fire

          EXCUSE ME! I WAS ATTACKED FIRST! SEEMS SOME PEOPLE HAVE AN ISSUE WITH PEOPLE WITH THEIR OWN MINDS AROUND HERE!

        • Cold Fire

          i CAN NOT FUCKING BELIEVE YOU SAID THAT SHIT! YOU ARE GOING TO FUCKING TELL ME THAT BEING MATURE MEANS LOSING UR RESPECT FOR PEOPLE CLOSE TO YOU AND FUCKING THEM!!? DISGUSTING! I HATE IT! ITS NASTY! ITS TACKY! I DONT GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK! I SAID WHAT THE FUCK I HAD TO SAY!

          YOU DAMN BLACK GAY MEN TREAT YOUR FRIENDS LIKE FUCKING THEM IS A INITIATION RITUAL! YOU ARE DISGUSTING! YOUR ASS IS GUILTY OF IT, THATS WHY YOU ARE MAD! I DONT CARE IF YOU THINKING IM JUDGING OTHERS THAT DO IT! YOU ARE JUST MAD THAT I DONT SUPPORT THAT SHIT! THE SHIT IS NASTY AND LOW!

        • Arnold

          Cold Fire, calm down dear. This article isn’t about sleeping with your friends at all but it’s really not such an awful thing to do if one has slept with a friend or is now good friends with an ex. It’s not that deep. If you don’t like it, just don’t do it. No need for cursing and name calling and screaming via caps lock. Thanks for reading!

        • Cold Fire

          IT MAY NOT HAVE BEEN ABOUT THAT, BUT YOU ALL ATTACKED ME OVER THAT ONE POINT! I HAVE A RIGHT TO SAY WHAT I WANNA DAMN SAY.

        • Arnold

          I wouldn’t say anyone “attacked” you at all. On the contrary, YOU attacked Donny and any “damn black gay man” who does this thing you don’t like. Maybe it’s just the tone of your posts with the cursing and name calling and caps. You actually didn’t comment on the article or subject of the article, but rather one line in the article which is unfortunate. As you said, you have a right to say your piece but others do too so don’t be angry or offended. It’s all in good discussion. :-)

        • Cold Fire

          NO THE FUCK ITS NOT! YALL TRIED TO TELL ME WHAT TO DAMN THINK. DO NOT TELL ME WHAT TO THINK. ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS GIMME A THUMBS DOWN AND MOVE THE FUCK ON. AND I LOVE ALL CAPS! I TYPE IN THEM MOST OF THE TIME. AND I DID COMMENT ON THE ARTICLE. THAT SENTENCE WAS PART OF IT, SO THEREFORE I COMMENTATED PERTAINING TO THE ARTICLE.

  • reggiewest

    I, personally, couldn’t see myself dating a friend of mine’s ex. I actually don’t try to be too friend with my friend’s boyfriends and when you break up with him, our association with each other is pretty much done too.

  • B

    Never slept w/a friend. My boos/ex’s staybin thay category as do my friends. The small community argument is a cop out for being a little messy lol. It’s all good though. Never chose my friends ex over my current friend. I actually don’t bother getting “close” to my friends boos because there’s no reason for me to talk to them unless my friend is around and we are socializing. So yea, i can see how this could happen but if you don’t consider it an acceptable option it won’t. I’ll be damned if my best friend is still hanging with my ex that he met through me. When we break up WE ALL break up lol because I’d do the same for my homie. No questions asked.