Fat Gay Woes: Find A Gym, Find A Man?

Show me a bitter fat boy who swears anyone who desires a guy with striated thighs and a six-pack is jaded and “missing out on real love,” and I’ll show you an unhappy fat boy that was jilted by that same guy.

I’m always amazed at how self-righteous, rancorous and “neo-dating experts” undesirable-bodied men become when people invoke their physical dating preferences. What’s even more astonishing is when called to task about their own jilted generalization, they claim healthiness vs. attractiveness.

Not all guys who would rather go to the gym over Chipotle, or whose crunches doesn’t involve potato chips are self-important, vain or windbags. Neither are the men that want to date them. It’s perfectly fine to want someone you find physically attractive.

There have been a lot of fat homosexual men making a sweeping assumption that the homosexual dating life is solely physically/visually driven. Though I have a strong disdain for “enlightened” homosexuals who are willing to slam their own culture just to prove a point, I do believe that no one is willing to date anyone who doesn’t turn them on. I also believe society as a whole is physically driven, not just gays.

When you initially meet someone, it’s purely visual. Even after the conversations and interactions (if you choose to continue) still physical appearance is a factor when deciding to approach a person romantically.

I feel that some out-of-shape men are inflicting their own self-esteem issues on the whole homosexual dating culture, only because the guys on their Instagram feeds they “loathe” so much will never find them as enticing. Physical appearance is just as important to dating as education, faith, finance and family background. We all have our own preferences; we shouldn’t be punished if we choose the educated guy with the well-used gym membership over the educated dough-like boy.

I’m over constant conversations from bitter fat men all up in arms because the guy they went on three dates with dropped their extra weight for someone he could actually wrap his arms around.  I believe if they spent more time in a gym and made more conscious food selections, somehow their perspectives would be drastically different.

This isn’t about being healthy – it’s about looking good naked. Take myself, for example: I’ve never been a fat guy, but when I was a 34-inich waist, I felt I would like myself more at a 32-inch waist; then later, a 30. No, it wasn’t to get any male attention – it was for me. I wanted to look in the mirror and turn myself on – the admiration from other men was just icing on the cake.  Also, it takes more discipline to get up before sunrise to work out and counting calories than just doing nothing and blaming everything and everyone but yourself for that gut, man boobs and loneliness.

Everyone reserves the right to date someone who fits his list of preferred beaus without being taxed. Just be honest about what you want in a mate and willing to accept someone’s decision to move on to something they deem better. No, you won’t miss out on “something good” because if it was meant for you it would happen. Find a gym, find a man.

54 COMMENTS

  • Reply October 9, 2012

    kayman

    Hmmm…I like your message about being OK in your own skin and having healthy self are good. However, as someone that does go to the gym and workout on the regular basis, some people are naturally bigger and thicker in body types. I don’t convey people to be lazy and sloth-like by letting themselves go physically. On the other hand, a simple healthy sense of self-esteem is what is needed for all for gay and bisexual males regardless of their natural body type (even with some physical activity). My thing is for anyone that wants to strive to obtain, maintain, and sustain a healthy self-esteem to cut their losses or ties from shallow individuals whom are more caught up in looks versus substances. Finally, physical only makes up small portion of a healthy, long-term relationship, and as we all age gravity takes affect and along with life become busy and more complex. As a result, compatibility of lifestyles along with sensibilities come into play more than solely how small is a person’s waist size, tight their abs, or how cut a dude looks.

    • Reply October 9, 2012

      BougieHippie

      I’m not putting down fat people for being fat. I have a problem with fat people blaming their relationship status on the taste of other people. As I stated in the article: physical appearance is just as important as education, finance or faith its not the only deciding factor. Would you date a guy that didn’t meet all your requirements?

      • Reply October 9, 2012

        kayman

        Actually, I would be open to them if they are striving to better themselves in either their personal, professional, or health itself. I wouldn’t date someone obese, but a height-weight proportional, stocky frame guy would stand a fair chance as a guy with a perfect-10 body. Faith doesn’t mean much to me because that is something personal and not something I will divulge into due to the volatile nature of it to relationships.

        (Preface: this is not saying date anyone that comes your way) Sometimes, people will be in their “work-in-progress” mode in usually one of those aforementioned categories. Physical is only important in the initial meeting and shouldn’t be determinate of things because it makes one seem more shallow than you actually maybe. Also if you overlook them because they don’t meet all your requirements that tells everyone you aren’t looking for a serious relationship rather someone that is ideal. Those are unrealistic expectations because no one is an ideal place, thus they will be always something that is preventing them from being such. That is something I have learned in my quarter of a century of life on this earth.

        Relationships are as much about aspirations and growth/changes in addition to existing conditions.

  • Reply October 9, 2012

    Cold Fire

    JESUS BE A FENCE!!! I GET WHAT YOU WANTED TO SAY, BUT MY GOD! THE FAT PHOBIA IS JUST SMELLING THROUGH THE SCREEN.

    • Reply October 9, 2012

      BougieHippie

      It’s not a fat phobia. I have a phobia with people upset for being passed over for another person’s preferences.

      • Reply October 9, 2012

        Cold Fire

        Well sweety you should have written an article on that. Now that we can agree on, but sweety you singled out the fatties. I realize you may be around more of it coming from them, but baby, where you live is small compared to the rest of the world. You must realize that we readers are from all over and some of us are fat and some of us have lovely best friends that are fat. This reads like an attack on them, rather than singling out those that you are speaking of and having the fat ones just a category among entire ordeal.

        • October 9, 2012

          BougieHippie

          I’m actually from Dallas, TX I just currently reside in Kansas and I’ve been around them all for the most part. I understand everyone’s interpretation of the article. LOL fatties aren’t my arch nemesis. I just write from a different prespective.

      • Reply October 9, 2012

        Cold Fire

        Number 2, IS YOUR WEBSITE NOT DEVOTED TO YOUR LOVE OF BEING EMACIATED AND HIGH FASHION…..ARE THOSE WORLDS WHERE FATTIES ARE WELCOME? ….NO. So this definitely should not have come from you of all people singling out your arch nemesis, the fatty.

        • October 9, 2012

          BougieHippie

          On my site I never talk about others I only talk about myself.

  • Reply October 9, 2012

    Nicholas

    “This isn’t about being healthy – it’s about looking good naked.” — that’s like a gay catch phrase when it comes to fitness and exercise.

    • Reply October 9, 2012

      BougieHippie

      Reason why is, being healthy is about a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or body fat percentage. When a fat guy calls out a fit guy for not liking him romantically it’s okay however, when the tables are turn its the fit guy being vain and they use “the healthy defense” I understand not all thin ppl are healthy vise versa this is about physical appearance.

  • Reply October 9, 2012

    QKR

    I get the message behind your opinion. But your displeasure wither larger guys seems toxic, reveals some strained and overt body image issues. I havent seen bias this blatant in a while.

    • Reply October 9, 2012

      Cold Fire

      HONEY SINCE REP JON HUBBARD SAID SLAVERY WAS A BLESSING FOR BLACKS AND HELL THAT WAS LAST WEEK WE DISCOVERED THAT.

    • Reply October 9, 2012

      BougieHippie

      I don’t have an issue with fat people, I need them. I mean everyone around me is fat. How else am I to look the thinnest?

  • Reply October 9, 2012

    King Kappa

    I just hope the guy with the well-used gym membership is educated too and not some muscle bound dunce. May as well get a rent boy and lie to your friends about him being a rent boy ala Maurice Jamal’s Ski Trip!

  • Reply October 9, 2012

    I Can't Deal...

    *sigh* This is so basic. This monolithic view of gay culture, this singular view of sexual attractiveness, this fatphobia, this article, all of it is bullshit. There’s an entire culture of gay men who seek heavier men because they find it more attractive and vice versa. Fat is subjective and so is attractiveness. Everybody who goes to the gym isn’t attractive to everyone and everyone who doesn’t is unattractive to everyone…I just…I feel like a a heavy gay guy “gave you too much” and you decided to write this in a fit of rage; have a conversation with this person and hash it out…To end an article with the line “find a gym, find a man” is dumb. I’m sorry, but it is. Do yourself a favor, wake up at 5:00 AM and read a book on sociology or philosophy and exercise your brain for a bit. Venture outside your narrow view and see the world beyond your scope if only for a moment. Then rewrite this.

    • Reply October 9, 2012

      Guest

      I understand your view point as well as I see how you may have misunderstood my stance. No I haven’t ever been slighted by a fat guy (not interested) my dalemia is that fat guys write the same post from the opposite viewpoint because they feel people are too vain which, is the reason for them being single. I am stating its nothing wrong with wanting someone physically attractive its just as important as any other qualifying dating characteristics. Its all about PREFERENCES; no matter what your type is you have a right to want what you want. I’m am a religious, educated, family oriented gay male with a 30 inch waist. Is it wrong to want the same?

    • Reply October 9, 2012

      BougieHippie

      I understand your view point as well as I see how you may have misunderstood my stance. No I haven’t ever been slighted by a fat guy (not interested) my dilemma is that fat guys write the same post from the opposite viewpoint because they feel people are too vain which, is the reason for them being single. I am stating its nothing wrong with wanting someone physically attractive its just as important as any other qualifying dating characteristics. Its all about PREFERENCES; no matter what your type is you have a right to want what you want. I’m am a religious, educated, family oriented gay male with a 30 inch waist. Is it wrong to want the same?

      • Reply October 9, 2012

        I Can't Deal...

        Can you link me to the article written by the “single fat guy blames his loneliness on vain people” I’d like to read it.

        • October 9, 2012

          BougieHippie

        • October 9, 2012

          Franz Kappus

          wait, wait, wait….this is MY ARTICLE. Nowhere in this article am I BLAMING anybody for my loneliness. So, I suggest that YOU and you’re narrow minded and irrelevant views find a place outside of my writing. Thank you. I don’t blame anybody. For you to pull this article which was written MONTHS AGO, and write about this now, I just question why? If you aren’t attracted to heavier guys, then that’s what you like. Nowhere do I blame guys who are skinnier than me or muscular, or whatever. I am simply an observer in the community I “supposedly” belong to. If you want to address anything else, you may do so to me personally. Check your facts before writing another misguided and ridiculous article.

    • Reply February 19, 2013

      William Smalls

      This. Why is it everytime I get excited to read a supposed alternative author, someone writing from outside the normal box, I feel I ve read a dated journal entry.

      I understand this opinion piece and the no shame in saying what you like is actually pretty honest, but someone who gone on 3 dates with someone and it doesn’t work out isn’t just thinking “I need less fat person”. They would have not gone on date #1 or #2. Also I know plenty of gym bunnies;/rats/jocks etc who can get laid that doesn’t = relationship. Also plenty of them want a bigger guy.

      Chris B. Why are we assuming this is bitter black men and these rivers aren’t having to cross regardless who you date? I didn;’t sense any race just this guy wanted to loose 2″,than 4″ for “himself” and he is ubbervain…

  • Reply October 9, 2012

    Chris B.

    I have to say in personal confession, I do think ALOT of the men feel & think that way the writer of this post does… I find it laughable he is back on this post addressing comments as if he didn’t realize that such inflammatory writing would incite even more impassioned commentary. Sadly I can’t even blame the ignorance of such a mindset totally on him or black gay men that see things the way he does… There hasn’t been any guides for this generation of black gay men… And it shows… This article actually made me kind of sad… For the first time, the elusive truth was in black and white… Connecting with black gay men is virtually impossible… Look at all the rivers we have to cross to connect with someone. If it isn’t your weight, it’s your skintone, if it isn’t that its the amount of “masculinity” you exude (or other people think you exude), if its not that then its your economic status, if it’s not that then its your intellectual prowess, religious perspectives and the list goes on and on. Dating as I see it has literally become like interviewing for a high cabinet in the KKK. After reading this, I truly no longer see a definitive difference between a hate group expressing marginal views by burning crosses on lawns or some of the clearly malice actions and commentary of black gay men about other black gay men…And to think, the difference between the writer and the “bitter fat boy” he detests could literally be a lottery of genetics not a indicator of exercise, health practices, or willingness to make himself attractive to other men.

    • Reply October 9, 2012

      I Can't Deal...

      WOW! Great Comment!

    • Reply October 9, 2012

      Cold Fire

      CHURCH!!!! ***HOLY HANDS*** YESSS!!

    • Reply October 9, 2012

      BougieHippie

      I don’t take offense to any of the comments posted nor attempting to sway anyone to to my views, that’s the joy of posting for the world to read and interpret just like you did. I’m only commenting because I feel we should have a healthy discussion on viewpoints. However, after reading your comment your sweeping assumption is just as narrow-minded as you interpreted mines as.

      • Reply October 9, 2012

        Chris B.

        Healthy discussion could only result from clear understanding, which is what you failed to effectively accomplish that has been proven by this long thread of comments you have been posting rebuttals too, amending and clarifying what should have been tactfully expressed from the beginning. More importantly if you haven’t noticed most of the comments haven’t even been about your actual opinion/perspective, it has repeatedly been more about the arrogant and aggressive tone of the article. As a writer, your tactics/execution should not overshadowed your motives. Write to be understood, not just heard. There is a huge difference.

    • Reply October 20, 2012

      Kopperhead

      Chris B

      Please spare us the bologna and cheese! If you want to find an excuse to not “connect with Black men” than have at it..But don’t think for a moment that the same dynamics aren’t being played out among the uppity white gay boys with gym memberships. It’s NOT a Black Gay thing nor is it a White Gay thing…It’s a “MAN THING”….Men (both str8 and Gay) are drawn to the visual. Blame mother nature, not society.

  • Reply October 9, 2012

    Jonathan

    Of course my good buddy Oliver wrote this.

    A few things. For one, how fat is to fat? Are we talking Gabby Sidibe fat, or Beyonce Bootylicious video fat? With black ppl its hard to tell. You know we don’t know the difference between that good thick and fat. And there are many ppl who play the fence. They look good with their clothes on, but as soon as they come off its like “Oh, i thought you would be more toned.” You’ve seen me in person, and you know my struggle. I don’t think I’m FAT, but i know that i’m a husky guy. I’ll never be skinny. At my thinnest right out of high school when i was VERY physically fit, my waist was a 38. My legs just arent going anywhere. No matter how much i cardio i do, they will get smaller, but i will never be a 30. Shit, i’ll never be a 34.

    I agree that everyone has their preference. I personally like thick guys. Just not bigger then me. But surprisingly most smaller guys like ME and thats all i end up with. My long time….whatever we want to call him…stays between a 32-34..and the guy i dated recently was a fucking 29 and on a good day he could fit a 30.

    Believe it or not there is a place for the chubby. And a good bit of guys that YOU would love…love them. Thats the funniest part.

    • Reply October 9, 2012

      BougieHippie

      JAY! I’m not making it a fat vs skinny issue. Its just my observation that fat guys are quick to call someone shallow or “missing out” if they are passed over for their size. I know everyone have their different taste. We just shouldn’t be taxed for it.

  • Reply October 9, 2012

    Franz Kappus

    the most interestingpart of this whole article was the guy doing the wonderful Grace Jones homage. You sir, are a body shamer and this article is hopelessly vapid. Fat gay men are NOT bitter. I suggest you read up a little bit about thin privilege and body disorders before you write something like this again. Do not say that fat Black gay men project their frustrations onto others, you’re not that important to quite frank. We are frustrated because we live in a world, or rather society, that focuses so much on the visual and carnal aspect of a person. How dare you throw “preference” in there. It’s prejudice, no ifs and or buts about it. Everyone has a right to be attracted to whatever or whomever they like. But a lot of people, clearly like yourself, don’t understand how attraction works. We’ve been socially taught to believe what is beautiful and/or sexy. When someone who doesn’t fit that mold necessarily, like myself and many others, there are many layers of frustration that come with that. I respect that you have an opinion, but it is flawed and laughable. Clearly you still have an elementary way of looking at beauty. God bless you and all those out there who are repulsed by someone who doesn’t offer a six pack, deep masculine voice, and whatever patriarchal, gender constrictive bullshit that makes you lube up and hoist your legs over your shoulders.

    • Reply October 9, 2012

      Franz Kappus

      *to be quite frank.

      • Reply October 9, 2012

        BougieHippie

        You have so many contradictions in this post I don’t know where to start. Oh well.

        • October 9, 2012

          Franz Kappus

          honey do you even know the definition of contradiction?

        • October 9, 2012

          Franz Kappus

          And because it behooved you so much to write this article, I question whether it is you with the body issue problems?

    • Reply October 9, 2012

      BougieHippie

      Are you upset? Relax.

    • Reply October 18, 2012

      BL

      If you were the owner of a restaurant that stayed empty, would it be better to:

      1) Change the recipes of the food you’re serving.
      or
      2) Complain that people are prejudiced and shallow because they choose to go to a different restaurant.

      Which action would get you closer to your goals?

  • Reply October 9, 2012

    Kopperhead

    I agree with this article 200%

    It’s always some out of shape bitter gay man who spews his venom towards the Elite Gym Bodies, yet they secretly desire them at the same time.. If you don’t like the term “No Fats, No Fems” , try not being either of them!

    • Reply October 9, 2012

      Cold Fire

      oh christ kopperhead. how did u find your way over here from myvidster?

      • Reply October 10, 2012

        Kopperhead

        Cold Fire ::: Yes, Sophia is home and there’s gonna be some changes round hea’

    • Reply October 18, 2012

      BL

      Why do I never hear fit guys complaining that they can only get a date with other fit guys?

  • Reply October 10, 2012

    Trevor Worldwide™

    i agree. to each his own. love to all. follow on twitter @mistertrevor #deuces

  • Reply October 10, 2012

    I Can't Deal...

    Ohhhhhh!!!! I get it now, he has an eating disorder. Case closed. @twitter-426816218:disqus @RoCkiiBoXxe:disqus

    @BougieHippie:disqus your blog revealed all, it makes complete sense!

    All comments aside, consider talking to someone.
    http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/get-help-today/index.php

    P.S.
    You’re basic.

  • Reply October 10, 2012

    Guest

    Well, well, well. If it isn’t Oliver from ANOREXICescapades.

    The only thing commendable about this piece is how impeccably you were able to deflect your own body issues onto another demographic. You would think that being a part of the gay community (an already overly-scrutinized group) we would try to be more accepting to those among us, but no. There is always that one person who hates himself so much, that in efforts to gain some sort of self-esteem, find comfort in bashing others. You, my friend, play that role like a legend. Who hurt you?

  • Reply October 11, 2012

    Anonymous

    People, PAY this article NO mind. If I’m not sadly mistaken, this was written by someone who is proudly OBSESSED with being skinny/anorexic. His outlook on the subject, honestly, can’t even be taken into consideration. -_-

  • Reply October 12, 2012

    Darryl TheGriot

    yea. you just seem mad. what’s eating you boo?

  • Reply October 12, 2012

    Darryl TheGriot

    yea. the author just seems mad. and trapped in his own body image issues.

  • Reply January 13, 2013

    Bear

    Bears rules!!!! Fat men are hoooot!!!!!

  • Reply January 22, 2013

    Zion MarQuiese Devereaux

    This is a load of b.s.
    If you feel that you need to CHANGE yourself to find a man then something is wrong with you and anyone who thinks like that.
    As long as you are healthy and YOU love who you are why are you changing to fit into some delusional, stereotypical homosexual fantasy.
    Age walks all of us down and investing in your physical man leaving your spiritual and mental man lacking will leave you in a more horrible of a mess.
    Have something more to offer someone than your body because eventually like a child with a new toy, you will become old after you’ve been “used a few times” of play and it’ll be on to the next prettiboi wit’ the hotter body!!!

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  • [...] s.parentNode.insertBefore(po, s); })(); Tweet As gay men, we are universally known as fit creatures. We literally are the standard of male beauty. We have banging bodies that fit into beautiful and [...]

  • Reply May 30, 2013

    JC Carter

    #BitterSkinnyBitch

  • Reply December 4, 2013

    Jordan

    to the author,

    no.

    -big man who loves ALL shapes of sexy

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